Tragic Sandwich

Tag: stay-at-home mom

  • How to Make a Mom Angry

    I shared something about Baguette on my Facebook profile. Most of the responses were positive. But then there was this:

    [Older relative]: I thought you were a stay at home Mom. You are missing a lot.

    Cue the gritted teeth. Because, guess what? I know! But I also know that if I didn’t work, I’d miss the chance for professional accomplishments. I’d miss the friends I have at my job. And we’d all miss my half of our income.

    We live in a small house. Nearly all of our furniture is hand-me-downs. We drive old cars–mine is 11 years old, and Mr. Sandwich’s is around 25 years old. Our last big trip was before Baguette was born. We don’t live lavishly. And to live not lavishly, we need both our incomes.

    And I think that Baguette benefits greatly from day care. While we are having some issues with them right now, I know that she gets much more exposure to arts and crafts there than she would get at home with me. She gets a 2-hour nap every day, which I doubt very much she would get with me. And she met Bestie there.

    Life’s about the tradeoffs. We all know that, and we all know that choosing one thing means we can’t choose something else, at least not at the same time. But each of us is making the best choice we can for our families, and that ought to be respected, whether we work outside the home or from home or don’t have paying jobs. And we’re all missing a lot. But we’re all doing our best, and that’s what our families need.

    And this is a relative from an earlier generation–although what’s funny is that while I don’t know whether she worked outside the home when her kids were growing up, I’m pretty sure her sister did. It’s not like this is new. But since I have a close–if wide-spread–family, I don’t want to have a fight about it. I want to present my point of view, but I’m not going to war about it. Not today, anyhow.

    So how did I respond?

    “This is the economy I live in. Plus I like working.”

  • Who’s Got Time for the Mommy Wars?

    Seriously, who are these people? They flame on blog posts, they appear on Anderson Cooper’s show, they write books.

    Write books? Who has the time? I mean, I don’t have time to read , much less write, unless I’m on the bus.

    I work outside the home. I have friends and neighbors who do, too. I also have friends and neighbors who are stay-at-home moms. You know what? All of us are overworked. And so far, we seem to be able to get along just fine.

    But it’s worth noting that the Mommy Wars aren’t new–we just talk about them more. I remember them going on between my mother (a fantastic stay-at-home mom) and some of my friends’ moms. They would say, “I don’t have time to help with X. I work.” And my mom–who was very involved in things like Scouting for both me and my brother–would reply, “I work, too. I take care of your child on Tuesdays from 4 to 6. But you don’t pay me.”

    She wasn’t an innocent bystander, though. She believed that being a stay-at-home mom was right. For everyone. And she’d tell people that.

    I feel differently. There are two key things I’ve learned in 21 months of parenting. The first is that there is a very broad range of “normal” for child development. The second is that there are a lot of ways to be a good parent. People try hard to find the path that is best for them and their families. But if we’re all individuals, then why are we going to follow the same path, at the same time, at the same pace?

    My answer: we’re not. And that means that I can tell you what works or doesn’t work for me, but I don’t have a hard and fast answer about what you should be doing.

    So what do we do about the Mommy Wars? My approach is to be confident that I am doing the best I can for my family, and ignore the war. If someone thinks I’m wrong, well, it’s a free country. They can think that. They can even say it. But how can they know what’s best for my family, when they’re not part of my family?