I shared something about Baguette on my Facebook profile. Most of the responses were positive. But then there was this:
[Older relative]: I thought you were a stay at home Mom. You are missing a lot.
Cue the gritted teeth. Because, guess what? I know! But I also know that if I didn’t work, I’d miss the chance for professional accomplishments. I’d miss the friends I have at my job. And we’d all miss my half of our income.
We live in a small house. Nearly all of our furniture is hand-me-downs. We drive old cars–mine is 11 years old, and Mr. Sandwich’s is around 25 years old. Our last big trip was before Baguette was born. We don’t live lavishly. And to live not lavishly, we need both our incomes.
And I think that Baguette benefits greatly from day care. While we are having some issues with them right now, I know that she gets much more exposure to arts and crafts there than she would get at home with me. She gets a 2-hour nap every day, which I doubt very much she would get with me. And she met Bestie there.
Life’s about the tradeoffs. We all know that, and we all know that choosing one thing means we can’t choose something else, at least not at the same time. But each of us is making the best choice we can for our families, and that ought to be respected, whether we work outside the home or from home or don’t have paying jobs. And we’re all missing a lot. But we’re all doing our best, and that’s what our families need.
And this is a relative from an earlier generation–although what’s funny is that while I don’t know whether she worked outside the home when her kids were growing up, I’m pretty sure her sister did. It’s not like this is new. But since I have a close–if wide-spread–family, I don’t want to have a fight about it. I want to present my point of view, but I’m not going to war about it. Not today, anyhow.
So how did I respond?
“This is the economy I live in. Plus I like working.”
You tell ’em. Nobody has any right to judge the choices you make for your own life and that of your family. Those of us who stay at home face it from the other direction. You should never feel that you have to justify your decisions to anyone so long as you came to that decision thoughtfully. You’re a good mom.
I know I am! And so was my mother, who was a stay-at-home mom. I always thought that’s what I’d do, but it turns out that I really do prefer to work (although if I could get a part-time gig that paid decently, I’d jump at it!).
People just don’t think.
Here in Serbia, women are truly encourage to work, and are supported by the government and by grandparents. Plus, most families couldn’t make in on one income.
My kids (2 & 4) love their preschool. I felt guilty about taking them, but I look at this this way: Would I rather hang out with grandmas who are 30 or 40 years older than me, or with gals my age? Right. So, that’s why kids have so much fun hanging out with other kids.
Laura
How does day care work in Serbia? Is it state-funded, or private?
Day care for children age 6 and under is subsidized by state-run schools. They cost about half the price of private preschool. So, I pay 150 Euros/month for private full-time preschool (extracurriculars, breakfast, snacks, & hot lunch included), and the same costs about 80 Euros for public. So for me, as an American, the cost/benefit for what amounts to a foreign-language preschool for me here in Serbia is pretty amazing.
Wow–even at full price, that is so much cheaper than what we’re paying.
Oh totally! It’s one reason why I’m so reluctant to go back to the US. My kids are really attached to their teacher here, and they have great little friends.
It made me angry, too. We shouldn’t have to justify our choices (stay at home OR working moms). I stay home and my husband works, and he has to work ALOT for me to stay home home (financially). People (family) give him a hard time for this sometimes because my dad had the same type of business & did it while making breakfast for us all & home for dinner always, but this is a different world we live in than even 30 years ago.
I think there are a lot of members of the older generation who simply don’t understand how much the economy has changed.
I saw that comment and thought, “uh oh.” It’s too bad we have to have to make justifications for our choices, whether it be nursing or staying at home. I’ve had similar reactions, but the most interesting reaction I had was from my own mother. She stayed home with me until I was 3 or 4. Initially she expressed sadness that I couldn’t stay home with Bestie, though she understood my need to work. As time went on, and she has seen all the gains Bestie had made in daycare, both in the things she’s learned and socially (we are all so thankful she and Baguette found each other), she now wonders sometimes if her choice was the best. After teasing her that why yes, she did ruin me, I have reminded her that she made the choice based on what was best for her and my father, and what they believed was best for me, and I the end I turned out just fine. We really need to stop doing this to each other, and to ourselves.
And I though your response was just perfect!
Thanks! My mom stayed at home until I left for college, and I loved having her there. But that was what worked for her, in that time. One of the things I first learned as a parent was that no matter how much I want to, I’m not going to be able to duplicate what my mother did, because I’m not my mother, and Baguette isn’t me. It’s just a different equation. And if that’s true within my own family, it’s certainly true from one family to another.
It’s so obnoxious for someone else to judge the decisions you’ve made to meet the best interests of your family. Every family’s needs are different, and choosing whether to work outside the home is a personal decision. Your response was much more tactful than mine would’ve been.
I’ve been less diplomatic with Facebook friends who are my own age.
Wow. It’s really nobody’s business except yours. Also, she doesn’t know your circumstances. It’s not really fair for her to tell you what you should and shouldn’t be doing.
Well, she does come from the side of the family that lacks filters.
They’re a douchefucker. Who seriously makes comments like that in 2012!?
She’s in her 70s, so I guess it’s not what she knew. And I think her daughter stayed home, at least for a few years. Which, in my opinion, is great if that’s what worked for her.
Good for you, Mom! I have heard that song from inappropriately judgemental people before, too. I adore my child – we are as close as can be. We love being together and truly hate being apart. However. As Khalil Gibran said in The Prophet, “let there be spaces in your togetherness.” OK, he was talking about the male/female relationship, but still – it fits. As much as I love being with her, I would never have been a happy stay home mom. More power to those who can and do, but I need work and that kid needs “work” of her own, too. Nothing irks me more than people who think there is reason to criticize, even when they think they are well-meaning. Sorry to spew – that just really got my goat maybe because it’s all too familiar. You were so tactful with that person. I probably wouldn’t have been. I think our best response has always been “This is what works for us.” The response in my head, though…heh heh heh. 🙂 Have a great day!