Tragic Sandwich

Wondering how much can be written about earthquake kits? Well, that depends in part on how many earthquake kits you have. Continue on for the third of Mr. Sandwich’s disaster-preparedness posts.

Be Prepared is the motto of the Boy Scouts. Not that I was ever a Boy Scout, mind you. My parents were all for the general idea of scouting. I even remember going to an introductory Scout meeting at the Scout Hall on Glenwood Road, but when my parents found out how much money was involved, how much time was involved, and the level of parent participation that was expected, they just packed up and took me home. I believe my Dad’s response was “Hell, I can show you all that sh*t for free!” and he proceeded over the next few decades to drag me out into the wilderness on an involuntary basis, exposing me to the elements, wearing down the soles of many boots, subjecting me to hypothermia and altitude sickness and generally recreating half the scenes from Jeremiah Johnson–as well as once deliberately abandoning me in the parking lot of Fedco to test my mental fortitude and survival instincts. Here’s the kicker – No merit badges (unless you count scars) and no nifty neckerchiefs. Here’s the other kicker – in a bizarre, totally screwed-up way, it worked.

Robert Baden-Powell, founder of modern scouting was once asked “Be prepared for what?” to which he answered, “Why, any old thing.” The general idea was that the skills of scouting were supposed to impart to you a spectrum of knowledge and experience through which you could endure or succeed in any adverse situation. In many ways, that’s the driving force behind the Sandwich Family Earthquake Kits. Hopefully by envisioning all the possible negative outcomes of a natural disaster, we will be properly prepared to survive, endure and succeed.

In the previous posts I mentioned that my first disaster kit was housed in a big green Rubbermaid tub that got stashed in the closet and could be dragged outside in the case of seismic event. Even though Big Green was taken off the front lines with the arrival of the backpack earthquake kits, I couldn’t find any reason why I should decommission it entirely. It still held a bunch of stuff that was important, if not crucial.

Instead the Big Green Earthquake Kit went into the closet of the spare bedroom and was christened the ‘second line of defense’ against whatever calamity might happen to strike. The rationale is that whenever the shaking stops we grab ourselves, the first change of clothes and our backpack kits, and head out the door. If we make it to the front lawn in one piece and are able to gather our wits then there’s an immediate list of things to do.

First, we have to shut off the gas, water and electricity (although let’s face it, if the shaker’s big enough the power’s gonna shut itself off for us). The backpacks have all the ‘make it through the immediate future’ kinda gear we need, but good ole Big Green has a bunch of other useful stuff. (Note: ideally if we are all together when the shaking stops we can swing by the spare bedroom closet on the way out and grab that tub as we are making our initial exit. I however am making what I feel is a realistic assessment of our state of mind post-quake and am just guessing that our priority is going to be getting the hell outside as fast as possible, and the big green tub will be a ‘reconnoiter and retrieve’ kinda item after I muster the courage to go back into the house if it seems safe.)

So, once again, presuming we get this far, the big green Rubbermaid ‘Eathquake Kit Mk. 2’ contains:

• 2 metal camp cooking grills
• 3 glow sticks – (I know, by now some of you are saying ‘What’s with the glow sticks? Is the Post-Seismic Wasteland going to have a Rave on the first Saturday after the Big One?’ I dunno. Maybe. Keep your eyes peeled for an EVite I guess. Really what happens is that every once in a while Home Depot sells glow sticks in packs by the checkout aisle and I frequently seem to say to myself “Oh, I should probably get some more of these.” Draw your own conclusions.
• Emergency Water Filter Juice Packs – At Costco last year they were selling these ‘water purification packs’ which are Gatorade type juice concentrate with a semi-permeable membrane bag. The idea is that you can drop these packets into any container of water no matter how polluted and dirty and osmosis will draw purer water across the membrane and leave you with delicious drinkable juice from your nasty water slurry. It seemed too nifty not to try.
• Big Blue Tarp – One thousand and one destroyed household uses.
• Coveralls – See previous post. I believe these fit Mrs. Sandwich.
• Rubber Gloves – You know, for washing dishes without getting your fingers wrinkly
• Feminine Hygiene Products – Just because the Big One hit doesn’t mean you don’t have regularly occurring things that need taking care of.
• 10 Military Grade MRE’s – (Note: one of our very astute readers pointed out in the last post that while I had candles in our backpacks, I didn’t have matches or lighters. Sandwich Fail! To Astute Reader: Bravo and congrats on your attention to detail! I did not mention matches or lighter. I saw that comment and thought “That can’t be right! I know I’ve accounted for that!” and promptly went digging in my backpack to check. You will be relieved to hear that each military MRE (of which I have two in my pack) has a book of matches in it, presumably as a hold-over from when rations still had cigarettes. So Earthquake Kit Mk. 1 does in fact have firestarting materials inside. But seriously, congrats on that. It shows you are taking this eval seriously, and for that we thank you.)
• 2 MRE entrees – I Test ate some MREs once just to see what I might be eating after civilization collapsed. I decided the Chili-Mac wasn’t half bad and I should probably get a couple more of those as a separate item.
• 1 Quart Water
• 1 Bottle Hydrogen Peroxide. Leave the cap off the bottle long enough and I think it turns back into water. So, bonus if you’re really thirsty but don’t have any cuts I guess.
• 1 Multi tool – 1001 uses.
• 2 MRE Brownies – Just because we’re living in a Post Seismic Wasteland doesn’t mean we have to live like savages. We still get dessert. Even if it is in dehydrated, powdered form.
• 2 Pair leather work gloves – There’s gonna be lots of broken, pointy things.
• 1 bag of nylon rope – Again, it always came in handy when we played D&D. We’ll think of something. Like using it to string a line under the blue tarp and make a canopy/pup tent. There! See! I thought of something.
• 1 First Aid Kit – For Ouchies
• One bag of bandages of varying shapes, sizes and lengths – For bigger Ouchies.
• Batteries – for the radios, so we can hear what else is going on in the Post-Seismic Wasteland
• Can Opener – Because if you’ve got a ton of canned food and no can opener there’s gonna be a *LOT* of hungry finger pointing going on.
• Whistle – I was told this was a good thing to have, probably by a survival kit list I was given/downloaded. I think it’s for signaling without having to shout and go hoarse. Either that or the Post-Seismic Wasteland is going to hold Crossing Guard Elections and if I already have my own whistle then I have leg up on a new job.
• Notepad – Presumably we’re going to be making lists of things we have, don’t have, need and don’t need. I think there’s a pencil floating around in there somewhere too. If not I’ll have to get one.
• Crowbar – Cuz we’re gonna play a LARPer game of Clue after the shaking stops. Or maybe something will need to be pried open

.

Inside the Big Green Tub there’s another tub with more stuff. This kit is actually kinda like a Russian nesting doll. Anyway, in this one there’s:

• Nylon Rope – OK I admit it. I played a lot of D&D when I was younger. It made an impression.
• Tape – I think that’s for the trashbag-on-the-windows gas attack scenario. Even if it’s not, it still seems useful somehow.
• Latex gloves – If someone else has some really bad Ouchies.
• Toilet Paper – Because if the earthquake doesn’t scare the poop out of us, chances are that #2 Skidoo is gonna make its way out all in its own at some point.
• Glow Sticks – OK! Alright! I’m planning a Post-Seismic Rave! Are you happy now? Geez, what a bunch of killjoys . . .
• Camp Stakes – Something to hold down the tarp/tent
• Aspirin/OTC drugs – For other Ouchies
• More Band Aids/Bandages – Seriously though, if this quake ends up being big enough, there are going to be some cuts and abrasions.
• 2 Space blankets – They look goofy as hell but they do actually work.
• Candles – For mood lighting
• Matches – For the candles
• Another First Aid Kit – I just don’t want anyone walking around with an untreated Ouchie.
• Toothbrush – Living in Post-Seismic Wasteland is no reason to neglect dental hygiene. The bad news: I only count one so far. Sweetheart, we’re gonna have to share…I hope that’s OK.
• Tweezers – I envision this catastrophe generating a lot of splinters.
• Kleenex – Mrs. Sandwich has horrible sinuses. Plus, more TP if necessary
• EMT scissors. These are for cutting clothes, bandages, whatever. If you don’t have one of these just go buy one, they’re super useful.

OK, that’s all that’s in Big Green. Now I know by now some clearly astute and detail-oriented readers are going to ask questions about the lack of water in this particular kit, or a shelter more complex than a blue tarp, and frankly probably a whole bunch of other very valid questions.

All I can say to that is: There’s more. No, I’m serious, the Sandwich’s earthquake kit is the Energizer F-ing Bunny of Earthquake Kits. It just keeps going. But not in this post.