Tragic Sandwich

Or, What We Did On Our Birthday Vacation

Thursday (our birthday weekends start early, by necessity)

• Tour a school that we might want Baguette to attend next year.
• Decide that we do not want Baguette to attend that school (it seems like a very good school–just not what we want for her).
• Clean the house.
• Clean the patio and back yard.
• Go to speech therapy and music therapy.
• Go to Costco and buy food and birthday cake.
• Clean the house.
• Make items for party games.

Friday

• Clean the house.
• Clean the back yard.
• Do some work that needs to be done even if I am on vacation.
• Clean the house.
• Clean the back yard.
• Clean the patio.
• Welcome grandparents and great-aunt, who are visiting from out of town.
• Go out to dinner.
• Clean the house.
• Make party favors.

Saturday

• Make party favors.
• Clean the house.
• Clean the patio.
• Make signs for food.
• Clean the house.
• Clean the patio.
• Locate the Happy Birthday banner we bought two years ago.
• Put up the Happy Birthday banner.
• Locate more tape for the Happy Birthday banner.
• Make the salad.
• Put the Happy Birthday banner back up.
• Welcome guests. Realize again that we have invited a really large number of people.
• Abandon hope of keeping the Happy Birthday banner up.
• Make sure parents and children are enjoying themselves.
• Call the pizza parlor and confirm that the pizza is actually going to be delivered.
• Make sure that Baguette has the chance to find some quiet time.
• Put out the pizza, salad, and signs for the food.
• Realize that I have left another parent supervising Baguette in the front yard for far longer than is reasonable.
• Ask Baguette if she wants pizza. (“No thank you.”)
• Ask Baguette if she wants macaroni and cheese. (“Yes.”)
• Bring a chair we took outside for the party back inside, because Baguette wants to eat at the table in the breakfast nook like she always does, not at the table on the patio where her friends are.
• Make sure everyone gets food.
• Eat one slice of pizza and some salad.
• Realize that, in spite of all the cleaning, the living room still contains a case of baby wipes and a 3-pack of contact lens solution.
• Decide not to care.
• Bring out the cake and put candles on it.
• Try to light the candles.
• Try to light the candles.
• Try to light the candles.
• Try to light one candle, which is the most that we may be able to keep lit with the breeze.
• Abandon hope of lighting the candles.
• Serve the cake.
• Encourage Baguette to say “thank you for coming to my party” to as many children as possible.
• Say goodbye to everyone.
• Try to get Baguette to nap.
• Abandon hope of getting Baguette to nap.
• Regroup with grandparents and great-aunt when they come back from their hotels for dinner.
• Order Chinese food.
• Eat Chinese food (adults) and macaroni and cheese (Baguette).
• Open presents from grandparents and great-aunt.
• Accept that the most enticing part of presents is the paper, which tears interestingly and can be draped as a fetching hat.
• Say goodnight to grandparents and great-aunt.

Sunday

• Have morning meltdown (Baguette, with collateral damage to Mr. Sandwich’s hearing).
• Regroup with grandparents and great-aunt.
• Caravan to 7-11 for coffee.
• Caravan to L.A. Zoo, because it is the weekend and therefore we go to the L.A. Zoo.
• Look at zoo animals.
• Get in line for lunch.
• Take Baguette for a walk, because the line is too long. (Mr. Sandwich)
• Realize that Baguette is screaming, and Mr. Sandwich is waving energetically from outside the cafeteria.
• Take Baguette and try to comfort her.
• Realize that 5 feet away, a zoo docent is holding a small constrictor.
• Consider one’s pathological fear of snakes.
• Ask Baguette if she wants to touch a snake.
• Confirm with Baguette that she wants to touch a snake.
• Hold Baguette while she touches the snake.
• Wash Baguette’s hands.
• Eat lunch.
• Leave zoo.
• After Baguette falls asleep in the car, take advantage of the situation to trim her fingernails while Mr. Sandwich runs into the hardware store.
• Go home and let Baguette unwind.
• Make brownies for Baguette to take to day care the next day for her actual birthday.
• Watch Baguette start to spool up again when grandparents and great-aunt rejoin us for dinner.
• Try to prevent meltdown.
• Fail.
• Take Baguette into her room, comfort her, and tell her that she can take time to calm down, but that we will be in the living room so she doesn’t feel abandoned.
• Give Baguette iPad when she asks for it. (Mr. Sandwich)
• Be grateful that, this time, the iPad helps her come out of the meltdown instead of exacerbating it, because there is no predicting.
• Send grandparents out for In-N-Out.
• Welcome Baguette when she comes back to the living room, feeling better.
• Feed Baguette one of her favorite noodle dishes.
• Tell Baguette that we will be on patio, and that she can come out when she wants to.
• Eat In-N-Out while Baguette plays with party games on back lawn.
• Say goodbye to grandparents and great-aunt, who are returning to respective homes on Monday.
• Give Baguette a bath.
• Open a few gifts for Baguette and talk to her about what they are and which of her friends gave them to her.
• Write thank-you notes to those friends.
• Wrangle Baguette into bed.
• Sleep fitfully.

Monday

• Put brownies in car.
• Take thank-you notes to day care, along with party favor for one guest who didn’t get one.
• Give brownies to teacher.
• Realize that Baguette would still really prefer to have some quiet time.
• Recognize that at this point there is nothing to be done about that.
• Drop off thank-you notes.
• Wonder how ABA will go tonight.
• Wonder how birthday phone call with aunt and uncle will go tonight.
• Wonder if Baguette will catch stomach bug that is running rampant through her school.
• Think about how, at this rate, it will take several days to open Baguette’s presents.
• Go to work.
• Really, really intend to write the rest of the thank-you notes.